Seeking Therapy

I forget where I heard this quote, so I am going to credit it as anonymous, but it is useful nonetheless:

"When we are sick, it is expected and it is the norm that we go to the doctor to receive proper treatment. Why, when we are feeling emotionally troubled for an extended period of time, is it not always the norm to see a therapist?" 

There are many people out there who would benefit from having having a therapist, but are reluctant to do so because of the stigma surrounding it. Today, I'd like to discuss why I believe that therapy should always encouraged, and provide a testimonial as to its effectiveness. 

If it weren't for modern medicine, many of us wouldn't be alive right now (including myself). This is simply because the human body isn't built perfectly. It has many flaws, and we aren't always the best at taking care of it. The same applies to the mind. Most people's way of thinking is inherently flawed in one way or another. Just as doctors specializing in compensating for the inherent flaws of the human body, clinical psychologists specialize in correcting the inherent flaws of the human mind. In specific, Cognitive Behavioral Therapists specialize in restructuring the way that we think, and eliminating faulty thought processes. 

If someone was battling cancer, it would be totally unacceptable to tell them, "toughen up! It's just cancer." By analogy, why is it remotely okay to tell someone battling depression to "cheer up. It's all in your head." If I were to say to a cancer patient, "cheer up! It's all in your tumor!", how do you think they'd react! The body and mind should be treated as analogous, and it is only appropriate that we do so. In many cases, therapy is required to cure mental disorders, just as is surgery for cancer. 

If it weren't for therapy, I wouldn't have recovered from OCD. My therapist (bless his heart) pointed out the numerous ways in which my thinking had been causing me distress, and slowly taught me more efficient, practical, and less stressful ways of thinking. In particular, my therapist emphasized the importance of avoiding "all or nothing thinking," which involves only giving yourself two opposite options or possible outcomes for a situation. For example, if I were to take a difficult test, I might think "I either flunked or got an A." A more rational way to approach the issue would be to think "I could have flunked, gotten an A, or anything in between." 

Overall, I think that it is about time that we recognize the importance of therapy, and completely eliminate the stigma behind it. Most people would benefit from therapy, not just those who are struggling from mental disorders. The analogy between medicine and clinical psychology is extremely robust. 

If you're comfortable doing so, share your experiences with therapy in the comments! 

An Experience in the Emergency Room

With all of these posts, I've made a point of being as open and honest as possible. With today's post, that applies to the fullest extent, because I'll be describing a trip I made to the emergency room after having an anxiety attack.

It all started November of my senior year of high school. One night, the anxiety from my OCD had gotten so bad to the point that interacting with people, going out in public, and being any place except my room was terrifying to me. The next day, I stayed home from school, figuring that I could better distract myself from the anxiety at home than at school. The entire day, my anxiety felt analogous to a 10 on the pain scale (like the one they give you at the doctors office).

A month went by, and I had started to get my anxiety under control. I had started to receive proper medication, and I was learning better to cope with these massive waves of anxiety I had started to get.  You see, at that time, my OCD had been coming in oscillations, each peak getting progressively worse. While I had started to feel better overall, I had yet to receive proper therapy for my OCD. So one day, a wave of anxiety hit me so bad that I could no longer function- I had to leave school, go home, and literally hold myself in the fetal position in the corner of my room in order to cope.

This, of course, was not a healthy way of dealing with anxiety. But, since I had yet to learn techniques to deal it, I unfortunately behaved in certain ways that made my anxiety worse (an example being curling myself into the fetal position- go figure). At around 6 PM that night, I hit rock bottom. I felt like there was nothing I could do to get better, and that I was doomed. I kept repeating that to my dad- "I'm hopeless. I'm hopeless." Eventually, I said to him, "I need to go to the hospital."

This was a markedly bad decision for my overall mental health, but a lesson I needed to learn nonetheless. My method of dealing with worry up to that point was by finding new ways to run away from it. I had always held "going to the hospital" as the ultimate escape from my own thoughts- there, I could relinquish care of myself to other people. I thought it would provide me a safe haven. However, quite the contrary was the case.

When I got to the hospital, they couldn't put me in a room because I didn't require any surgery or an IV, so I was given a bed in the hallway, right at the intersection of four rooms that all contained people in severe pain. As you might predict, this wasn't the "perfect solution" I had been looking for.  After an hour or two, I was directed to a "crisis" specialist (a psychologist), who basically gave me two options: go home tonight, or go to the full time mental hospital for as long as it takes to recover.

At that moment, I realized that I was the one who needed to stand up to my anxiety. I learned that I couldn't shirk that responsibility onto the shoulders of a therapist or crisis specialist. They could provide me with guidance, but at the end of the day, I knew I needed to stop running away from the thoughts that caused me distress.






Photo Credits to Deepak Sarda

The Kairos is Gone

Today, my post will involve a CAS buzz word: kairos.

For those of you who don't remember from last semester, a kairotic moment occurs when a topic or issue peaks in relevance. For example, ever year on September 11th, the kairos of talking about terrorism in the US reaches a peak. All other events aside, as we get farther away from September 11th, the kairos decrease.

Now, you're probably wondering, "how does kairos tie into OCD?" Well, it doesn't really. But today's not just a post about OCD. It's a post ABOUT posts about OCD. This is meta.

As soon as last semester concluded, I knew I had exhausted everything I had to say about the fitness industry (my CAS137 passion blog). As soon as I thought of the idea to write a blog about my OCD, I knew I wanted to take the opportunity. While my OCD was at its worst, I used to always think, "I want to write about my experiences so that other people in my situation might be able to benefit."

Unfortunately, here's what I've found: for as traumatic as many nights were, and as long as I fought OCD, now that I'm almost fully recovered, it's actually hard for me to remember exactly how I felt during those times of hardship. It feels like the kairos is gone for talking about my OCD. This doesn't make writing posts about it impossible. I do remember what I went through, but it's hard for me to exactly recall the feelings I had.

At first, I didn't think much my forgetfulness. For a while, I just chalked it up to me being a generally forgetful person. But then I realized that what my forgetfulness implies is an important lesson learned: humans have a tendency to paint their past with feelings and mood that they currently have. For example, someone in a bout of depression is more likely to describe a past event as less enjoyable than if they were happy.

It seems that now that I am living a generally happy life, I am tending to generalize my past as happy.  This is a good thing: if I can "exchange" bad memories for good ones, I will take it. However, this phenomenon does much more harm for people suffering from mental disorders. If someone suffering from depression goes through a brief patch of happiness, when they next experience their bout of depression, they're likely to remember their happy times as non-existent. This could further feed the cycle of sadness, as many people with depression often convince themselves they can't be happy by believing that they've never been happy before.

So, I hope you can see that this small observation I made a couple weeks ago turned into a useful realization. Let me know what you think in the comments!

Suicide

For today's post, I thought I'd discuss a topic that goes beyond the scope of OCD, but still applies to it: suicide. It is obviously a huge problem in America-  suicide is the U.S.'s 10th most common cause of death (CDC) However, the reasons for suicide are not monocausal- each suicide is a unique story, and can be due to a variety of factors.

As I feel I do in every post, I'd like to make a disclaimer before I go on further: I've never attempted suicide and have absolutely no intention of doing so in the future. However, this doesn't mean that I've never had any thoughts about it. While I've never seriously considered suicide, I have let my mind wonder about what it would feel like, or what would happen if I decided to commit it. 

For me, what caused my mind to have suicidal thoughts was feeling stuck and hopeless. Since I had tried many different options to cure my OCD to no avail, I felt that nothing would ever work. So, the devil on my shoulder decided to play his suicide "card," thus putting the idea of it in my head. I immediately dismissed the possibility of doing it as irrational and not something I would ever do, but the fact that the thoughts showed up raised an interesting point. 

I am fairly confident that my feeling of hopelessness is not unique, and I'm guessing that those who have made the unfortunate decision to take their own life have felt helpless as well. Perhaps it is the incorrect conviction that one is unable to control their emotions that drives many people to that point. In my opinion, this means that our society should teach its citizens from a young age that there is ALWAYS a way to make your life better, regardless of the situation you're currently in. By giving that idea to people at a young age, we can perhaps give those who feel hopeless the knowledge that recovery takes time, and that a better life will eventually come. 

Interestingly enough, there is actually a form of OCD where victims are afraid that they want to kill themselves. This can be  particularly frustrating, considering the paradox that the victims will inevitably realize they're in: if they're afraid of killing themselves purposefully, then why would they kill themselves? Even though recognizing this fact, those suffering will see no improvement in their symptoms. Virtually 0% of those with this form of OCD will end up committing suicide, but those who DO don't do it because they wanted to kill themselves; rather, they do it because they are trying to escape the exhausting thought processes. 

Suicide is an extremely complex topic. Considering that, it must be dealt primarily from a bottom-up perspective, where each potential case is treated differently. However, there is also benefit to top-down prevention (i.e suicide hotlines). Either way, let me know if you have any thoughts! 

A Celebrity Case Study

In my last post, I briefly mentioned how I don't really get offended if someone says, "I'm so OCD," even if they don't have it. For my purposes, as long as they know what OCD actually is, there's nothing wrong with them saying it. But, how much would someone have to push my OCD "buttons" for me to get mad at them? Considering that my OCD is purely cognitive, there's not much someone can actually say or do to trigger it.

This isn't the case for everyone with OCD. Some of you may know that TV Celebrity Howie Mandel has germaphobic OCD. This is the impetus for his famed "fist bump," that he would always greet people with on his TV show "Deal or No Deal" as a replacement for a handshake. 

Today, I thought it'd be worth it to go through a Howie Mandel interview and offer insight as to what OCD thoughts Howie is probably having throughout the course of the interview. Hopefully, this might give you a relatable and entertaining idea of what it's like to think with an OCD framework. 

I've chosen an interview of Howie from the Eric Andre show. If you haven't seen it before, the Eric Andre show has a similar format to a typical talkshow, except that all of the questions asked during interviews make absolutely no sense. The show also employs a good bit of physical humor. 

Before this interview even began, Howie was likely running over in his head any potential germ-infested areas on the set, and was wondering how he'd avoid them throughout the course of the show. As he walks on, he heads towards the chair that he's expected to sit in. When he's invited to sit down, he immediately begins talking about how filthy the chair looks. At this moment, with the knowledge that Howie has OCD, it's apparent that this chair is now a problem.  Eventually, Eric pressures Howie to sit down. Although he didn't show it, I'm sure that sitting down in that chair took up 50% of Howie's psychological space for the rest of that interview.

It is obvious that for the rest of the interview, Howie really isn't "there." He's constantly trying to find a reason to get out of the chair. Eventually, Eric pulls a stunt where his coffee cup turns into a blender and explodes, thus giving Howie justification to hop out of the chair. The second that he does, he demands that Eric's co-host, Hannibal, sit down instead of him.

In addition to the large amount of psychological space that the whole "chair" ordeal must have taken up, he also has to consider how his actions might come off as neurotic or irrational. Thus, more of his mental capacity has to be taken up to deliberate the best ways to hide his OCD. This is a common problem for those with OCD: struggling to "cover-up" evidence of your irrational OCD behavior while simultaneously

I don't think Eric even knew that Howie had OCD, or if he did, he didn't take it into consideration throughout the interview. This doesn't make Eric a bad person; however, it is generally considered polite to avoid triggering someone's OCD fears if you are aware that they have the disorder. In the worst days of my OCD, my parents made sure to avoid discussing topics that would launch me into hours of rumination.

To anyone reading, I hope this gave you an informed, relatable, and understandable perspective of what it's like to have OCD. If you have any thoughts, let me know in the comments!

Image Courtesy of Philip McMaster

"OMG I'm so OCD"

Last year, there was a several-month gap between the diagnosis of my OCD and my brother finding out about it. During this gap, I a specifically remember a conversation we were having, that went something like this:

Me: "What is your roommate like?"

Jonah: "He's a nice guy. A lot of fun to be around. But if you look in his room you can tell he's pretty OCD."

Me: "Oh."

This had me thinking. Should I be bothered by the fact that he casually threw around the term "OCD" to describe his friend who probably only likes things neat? After a good bit of deliberation (ha), I decided that no, I wasn't "offended" by him saying it. However, it did bring to light a question: should language be "censored" to protect the minorities and other groups that the words offend, or is teaching the meaning behind the language enough? In this blog post, I'll discuss two sides of this argument when it comes to the word "OCD."

While my feelings weren't hurt at all by my brother inaccurately using "OCD," I realized that the casual use of it has led to desensitization to the seriousness of the disorder. In one of my past posts, I discussed how a huge obstacle to recovering from OCD was not knowing exactly what OCD was, and thus not being able to diagnose myself with it. I feel that the casual use of "OCD" may lead people to believe that the disorder isn't as serious as it actually is. So no, I don't care if someone  uses "OCD" as a synonym for "neat;" however, I just want to assure that they know the full extent of the disorder so that can identify if they or a loved one are suffering from it.

On the other hand , there could be potential benefit to making "OCD" a politically incorrect word, among the ranks with the n-word and the f-word. If the use of it in everyday conversation is stigmatized, people can make the assumption that there is a reason for its stigmatization, thus allowing for a better chance of people knowing more about the disorder. However, I don't believe this to be realistic. The reason that words like the n-word and the f-word can become so anti-pc is because they are clearly and undisputedly rooted in hatred. The same cannot be said for "OCD."

I believe that in certain contexts, political correctness can serve a role; however, I believe the more powerful tool to be education and awareness. Teaching people to change their language is one thing, but teaching people the history behind their language is another (similar to "the teach a person to fish" analogy).

Society Slows Down Recovery?

If I had a nickel for every time someone used the umbrella term "society" to describe a causal factor, such as racism or sexism, I'd be rich. This isn't to say that "society" isn't responsible for racism and sexism, but complicated issues aren't monocausal; thus, saying "society" causes a problem isn't quite specific enough.

So without further ado, I'm going to be a hypocrite: I'll venture out on a limb and say that society makes it harder for people with OCD to recover. But, as I mentioned before, "society" isn't very specific. Thus arose the impetus for todays blog post: an exploration of what exactly society does to make the path to recovering from OCD more difficult. 

To anyone with certain types of OCD, especially those that are purely cognitive, the major problem that society creates is obvious: not knowing that someone's thought processes are actually symptomatic of OCD! In other words, the biggest obstacle to my recovery came from not knowing that what I was experiencing was OCD. I had always thought of OCD as someone compulsively washing their hands, or being unable to give a handshake due to fear of disease. It took a good bit of digging to discover that OCD can manifest in a myriad of ways.

Now, this may not seem to be such a big deal; after all, if someone unaware of how to classify their symptoms visits a therapist, won't the therapist be able to identify the disorder? Believe it or not, the answer isn't always yes. In fact, I identified my own OCD before my former therapist did. Once I brought it to his attention, he then directed me to an OCD specialist.

After I had been officially diagnosed, both my new therapist and I were dumbfounded that a licensed clinician hadn't been able to diagnose me. Perhaps, we thought, if society hadn't given the general public such a specific and uninformed idea of OCD, people would be able to find appropriate care in a shorter amount of time. I firmly believe that we as a society need widespread education on mental illness; not only for people to have a general knowledge of how to deal with it, but also so that people can easily identify their symptoms with the appropriate disorder.

It breaks my heart to think of a 16 year old boy, just like my former self; lost and unclear on how to fix his distorted brain, fumbling for a solution. I know that many of those young men and women do exist. I dream that one day, those with mental illnesses will only have to deal with their disorder, not the stigma or misinformation surrounding it. It's time for mainstream media to stop releasing bulls*** self-help books (I'm not knocking all self-help books, just certain ones) and preaching recipe solutions. It's time to help make the process of recovery as efficient as it can be for those suffering from mental illness! 

Recovering from OCD: The Paradox

If you've ever dealt with a mental disorder, you'd probably agree that the difficulty of the recovery process can add on to your existing anxiety/depression. Furthermore- it can be extremely frustrating to put sincere effort into recovery and see little to no change. Unfortunately, there are rarely formulaic solutions to mental disorders-- everyone lives in a different environment and has different genetics; making therapy a complicated ordeal.

If you haven't read my previous posts, I have "Pure-O" OCD: a subtype of OCD that has purely cognitive obsessions and compulsions (as compared to someone who has physical compulsions, such as hand-washing). For those with Pure-O, recovery takes a good bit of strategy and time. So today, I thought I'd share my experience with recovering from Pure-O, and how to surmount the paradox that the disorder inherently presents.

To quickly summarize, people with Pure-O have irrational obsessive thoughts that can stick around for hours or days at a time. For example, someone with Pure-O might fear that because an image of themselves raping a child popped into their head, that they are automatically a rapist (don't worry- those with Pure-O are not criminals. Keep in mind that these fears are irrational, don't even make sense, will almost never be acted upon by the victim).

Most people, not just those with OCD, instinctively respond to intrusive thoughts by assuring themselves that they don't make any sense: "Of course I'm not a rapist!" However, for those with OCD,  a response to an intrusive thought like that will cause great distress. Denying the thought makes the fear of it even worse. Thus, here lies the paradox: if the thoughts cannot be dealt with through rational thought, how can the victim recover?

The solution varies from person to person; however, most commonly, Pure-O is dealt with by encouraging the victim to imagine that their thoughts were true. Rather than denying an intrusive thought, allowing the person to live through the nightmare the thought contains can quickly make their fears extinct. This is much analogous to the way that someone with a fear of roller coasters can simply ride a roller coaster to overcome their fright.

This method of therapy is called "Exposure." During my time in therapy, my counselor would have me write down the worst possible scenario that my thoughts wanted me to believe. Initially, even writing my thoughts down would give me crippling anxiety; however, after a couple months, the intrusive thoughts that used to control me no longer bothered me.

While exposure therapy has great use for Pure-O, I believe that anyone can benefit from the principle of it. Obviously, going on a roller coaster will help someone overcome their fear of roller coasters, but most people don't realize that applying the same exposure principle to cognition can help to overcome everyday anxiety and worry. Humans have been blessed with the gift of cognition; however, our imaginative abilities can serve as a breeding ground for fictional fears. In my opinion, it is about time we stop dealing with irrationality rationally, and start using concepts of overcoming physical fears for cognitive fears.

The Psychopath Inside of All of Us

Here's a no-shame clickbait intro: we all want to murder someone! (I will explain in a bit)

If you didn't deduce it from the title of my blog, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For these coming weeks, my posts will consist of my thoughts, experiences, and opinions on it.

Last week, I gave my definition of the disorder and introduced some basic concepts about OCD. This week, I'm going to talk some more about my particular type of OCD (In case you weren't aware, there are many different types of OCD).

Imagine you're walking down College Ave mid-May. It's a warm, pleasant day; the air is dry and the sunshine paints the sidewalks as it spills over the clouds. You're with friends- laughing and content, when out of the corner of your eye, you notice a man (unknown to you) walking on the other side of the street. All of the sudden, you have the thought, "I want to kill him."

Now of course- you're not a psychopath, and neither am I. These types of thoughts happen to most people on a daily basis. They're random and meaningless. An average, non-OCD person, will brush this thought away with certainty that it does not match their true sentiments. ("That's ridiculous, I don't want to kill someone!'). People with OCD, including myself, might say the same thing to themselves- "Of course I don't want to kill that man!"- however; our brains respond back to us, "what if you do want to murder that man?" Upon this response, the viscous cycle of obsession begins.

I've got to clarify this, as I fear people somehow might misinterpret my words: I have never had the desire to kill anyone, nor will I ever. Amazingly, those with OCD, including myself, actually know that these types of thoughts are completely ridiculous. Nonetheless, we can't seem to stop worrying about whether or not they truly represent us.

This type of OCD (generally called "Pure-O" OCD), has an inherently paradoxical nature: "If I truly did want to murder that person, why am I worried about whether or not I want to murder them? If I was a psychopath at heart, I wouldn't be worried about being one." Even though everyone with Pure-O realizes this at somepoint, it does nothing to relieve any anxiety. Using logic to counter OCD almost never works, and can even make things worse.

So in summary, no, I am not a murderer, and neither is anyone with OCD. In fact, population studies have shown that those with Pure-O OCD are no more likely to harm others than the general population. But for some reason, OCD disregards logic and proceeds to spawn anxiety within the victim. This raises the question, how does someone deal with OCD if logic cannot be used to counter it? That question will be answered in next week's post, so tune in!

An Introduction to My Thinking

Around this time last year, we were all writing the infamous college essay. Our eyes would strain from constantly staring at a computer screen for hours on end, sometimes only to walk away frustrated and defeated from the inevitable writers block. Lucky for me, I had one of the rare "easy" topics to write a good essay about. Me, being the Einstein that I am, decided to not take advantage of this opportunity. Instead, I decided to write about ADHD and my experience with it. As it turns out, that was a horrible topic to choose. My essay turned out awfully.

The "easy" topic that I should have written about was a different disorder: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Many of my life's turning points have involved OCD, so everything about it screams "College essay! College essay!" But, since I didn't write about it then, I am going to write about it now. Welcome to my blog, where I'll be writing about my experience with OCD. 

To begin, I'd like to provide you with some foundational knowledge on OCD, if you don't already have it: what it is and how it affects someone. 

The problems of OCD begin when a victim has disturbing thoughts enter their head. Surprisingly, most people have disturbing thoughts. For example, you might be meeting someone for the first time, giving them a handshake, and suddenly you think: "This person must have AIDS on their hand!" This is obviously a ridiculous thought, but nonetheless, thoughts like this often show up uninvited. Someone without OCD will immediately be able to dismiss the thought. Someone with OCD, however, may come to believe this ridiculous thought (This sentence oversimplifies what actually goes on, but this explanation will have to do for now). 

As soon as they believe the thought, they will usually perform a ritual to prevent the horrible outcome from happening- in this instance, they may wash their hands dozens of times to minimize their perceived chance of getting AIDS from a handshake. This will cause them great stress, not only because they are worried about contracting a disease, but also because they do recognize that their behavior and thought processes are unreasonable yet there is little that they can do to stop themselves.

This is simply one example of OCD. There are many others, including but not limited to: the fear of being a pedophile, fear of being a murderer and superstition (i.e. actually fearing that stepping on a crack will break your mother's back). Each type of the disorder can have differing severity, and differing obstacles that get in the way of daily life. If, for instance, someone always fears that they left their oven on, they might be a couple hours late to work due to them compulsively checking the oven.

Hopefully, you have a better grasp of what OCD its effects. On my next post, I will give an overview of my particular type of OCD, and how misconceptions about it delayed my recovery process.

Image Credit: Doorway Arizona