The Kairos is Gone

Today, my post will involve a CAS buzz word: kairos.

For those of you who don't remember from last semester, a kairotic moment occurs when a topic or issue peaks in relevance. For example, ever year on September 11th, the kairos of talking about terrorism in the US reaches a peak. All other events aside, as we get farther away from September 11th, the kairos decrease.

Now, you're probably wondering, "how does kairos tie into OCD?" Well, it doesn't really. But today's not just a post about OCD. It's a post ABOUT posts about OCD. This is meta.

As soon as last semester concluded, I knew I had exhausted everything I had to say about the fitness industry (my CAS137 passion blog). As soon as I thought of the idea to write a blog about my OCD, I knew I wanted to take the opportunity. While my OCD was at its worst, I used to always think, "I want to write about my experiences so that other people in my situation might be able to benefit."

Unfortunately, here's what I've found: for as traumatic as many nights were, and as long as I fought OCD, now that I'm almost fully recovered, it's actually hard for me to remember exactly how I felt during those times of hardship. It feels like the kairos is gone for talking about my OCD. This doesn't make writing posts about it impossible. I do remember what I went through, but it's hard for me to exactly recall the feelings I had.

At first, I didn't think much my forgetfulness. For a while, I just chalked it up to me being a generally forgetful person. But then I realized that what my forgetfulness implies is an important lesson learned: humans have a tendency to paint their past with feelings and mood that they currently have. For example, someone in a bout of depression is more likely to describe a past event as less enjoyable than if they were happy.

It seems that now that I am living a generally happy life, I am tending to generalize my past as happy.  This is a good thing: if I can "exchange" bad memories for good ones, I will take it. However, this phenomenon does much more harm for people suffering from mental disorders. If someone suffering from depression goes through a brief patch of happiness, when they next experience their bout of depression, they're likely to remember their happy times as non-existent. This could further feed the cycle of sadness, as many people with depression often convince themselves they can't be happy by believing that they've never been happy before.

So, I hope you can see that this small observation I made a couple weeks ago turned into a useful realization. Let me know what you think in the comments!

Suicide

For today's post, I thought I'd discuss a topic that goes beyond the scope of OCD, but still applies to it: suicide. It is obviously a huge problem in America-  suicide is the U.S.'s 10th most common cause of death (CDC) However, the reasons for suicide are not monocausal- each suicide is a unique story, and can be due to a variety of factors.

As I feel I do in every post, I'd like to make a disclaimer before I go on further: I've never attempted suicide and have absolutely no intention of doing so in the future. However, this doesn't mean that I've never had any thoughts about it. While I've never seriously considered suicide, I have let my mind wonder about what it would feel like, or what would happen if I decided to commit it. 

For me, what caused my mind to have suicidal thoughts was feeling stuck and hopeless. Since I had tried many different options to cure my OCD to no avail, I felt that nothing would ever work. So, the devil on my shoulder decided to play his suicide "card," thus putting the idea of it in my head. I immediately dismissed the possibility of doing it as irrational and not something I would ever do, but the fact that the thoughts showed up raised an interesting point. 

I am fairly confident that my feeling of hopelessness is not unique, and I'm guessing that those who have made the unfortunate decision to take their own life have felt helpless as well. Perhaps it is the incorrect conviction that one is unable to control their emotions that drives many people to that point. In my opinion, this means that our society should teach its citizens from a young age that there is ALWAYS a way to make your life better, regardless of the situation you're currently in. By giving that idea to people at a young age, we can perhaps give those who feel hopeless the knowledge that recovery takes time, and that a better life will eventually come. 

Interestingly enough, there is actually a form of OCD where victims are afraid that they want to kill themselves. This can be  particularly frustrating, considering the paradox that the victims will inevitably realize they're in: if they're afraid of killing themselves purposefully, then why would they kill themselves? Even though recognizing this fact, those suffering will see no improvement in their symptoms. Virtually 0% of those with this form of OCD will end up committing suicide, but those who DO don't do it because they wanted to kill themselves; rather, they do it because they are trying to escape the exhausting thought processes. 

Suicide is an extremely complex topic. Considering that, it must be dealt primarily from a bottom-up perspective, where each potential case is treated differently. However, there is also benefit to top-down prevention (i.e suicide hotlines). Either way, let me know if you have any thoughts! 

A Celebrity Case Study

In my last post, I briefly mentioned how I don't really get offended if someone says, "I'm so OCD," even if they don't have it. For my purposes, as long as they know what OCD actually is, there's nothing wrong with them saying it. But, how much would someone have to push my OCD "buttons" for me to get mad at them? Considering that my OCD is purely cognitive, there's not much someone can actually say or do to trigger it.

This isn't the case for everyone with OCD. Some of you may know that TV Celebrity Howie Mandel has germaphobic OCD. This is the impetus for his famed "fist bump," that he would always greet people with on his TV show "Deal or No Deal" as a replacement for a handshake. 

Today, I thought it'd be worth it to go through a Howie Mandel interview and offer insight as to what OCD thoughts Howie is probably having throughout the course of the interview. Hopefully, this might give you a relatable and entertaining idea of what it's like to think with an OCD framework. 

I've chosen an interview of Howie from the Eric Andre show. If you haven't seen it before, the Eric Andre show has a similar format to a typical talkshow, except that all of the questions asked during interviews make absolutely no sense. The show also employs a good bit of physical humor. 

Before this interview even began, Howie was likely running over in his head any potential germ-infested areas on the set, and was wondering how he'd avoid them throughout the course of the show. As he walks on, he heads towards the chair that he's expected to sit in. When he's invited to sit down, he immediately begins talking about how filthy the chair looks. At this moment, with the knowledge that Howie has OCD, it's apparent that this chair is now a problem.  Eventually, Eric pressures Howie to sit down. Although he didn't show it, I'm sure that sitting down in that chair took up 50% of Howie's psychological space for the rest of that interview.

It is obvious that for the rest of the interview, Howie really isn't "there." He's constantly trying to find a reason to get out of the chair. Eventually, Eric pulls a stunt where his coffee cup turns into a blender and explodes, thus giving Howie justification to hop out of the chair. The second that he does, he demands that Eric's co-host, Hannibal, sit down instead of him.

In addition to the large amount of psychological space that the whole "chair" ordeal must have taken up, he also has to consider how his actions might come off as neurotic or irrational. Thus, more of his mental capacity has to be taken up to deliberate the best ways to hide his OCD. This is a common problem for those with OCD: struggling to "cover-up" evidence of your irrational OCD behavior while simultaneously

I don't think Eric even knew that Howie had OCD, or if he did, he didn't take it into consideration throughout the interview. This doesn't make Eric a bad person; however, it is generally considered polite to avoid triggering someone's OCD fears if you are aware that they have the disorder. In the worst days of my OCD, my parents made sure to avoid discussing topics that would launch me into hours of rumination.

To anyone reading, I hope this gave you an informed, relatable, and understandable perspective of what it's like to have OCD. If you have any thoughts, let me know in the comments!

Image Courtesy of Philip McMaster

"OMG I'm so OCD"

Last year, there was a several-month gap between the diagnosis of my OCD and my brother finding out about it. During this gap, I a specifically remember a conversation we were having, that went something like this:

Me: "What is your roommate like?"

Jonah: "He's a nice guy. A lot of fun to be around. But if you look in his room you can tell he's pretty OCD."

Me: "Oh."

This had me thinking. Should I be bothered by the fact that he casually threw around the term "OCD" to describe his friend who probably only likes things neat? After a good bit of deliberation (ha), I decided that no, I wasn't "offended" by him saying it. However, it did bring to light a question: should language be "censored" to protect the minorities and other groups that the words offend, or is teaching the meaning behind the language enough? In this blog post, I'll discuss two sides of this argument when it comes to the word "OCD."

While my feelings weren't hurt at all by my brother inaccurately using "OCD," I realized that the casual use of it has led to desensitization to the seriousness of the disorder. In one of my past posts, I discussed how a huge obstacle to recovering from OCD was not knowing exactly what OCD was, and thus not being able to diagnose myself with it. I feel that the casual use of "OCD" may lead people to believe that the disorder isn't as serious as it actually is. So no, I don't care if someone  uses "OCD" as a synonym for "neat;" however, I just want to assure that they know the full extent of the disorder so that can identify if they or a loved one are suffering from it.

On the other hand , there could be potential benefit to making "OCD" a politically incorrect word, among the ranks with the n-word and the f-word. If the use of it in everyday conversation is stigmatized, people can make the assumption that there is a reason for its stigmatization, thus allowing for a better chance of people knowing more about the disorder. However, I don't believe this to be realistic. The reason that words like the n-word and the f-word can become so anti-pc is because they are clearly and undisputedly rooted in hatred. The same cannot be said for "OCD."

I believe that in certain contexts, political correctness can serve a role; however, I believe the more powerful tool to be education and awareness. Teaching people to change their language is one thing, but teaching people the history behind their language is another (similar to "the teach a person to fish" analogy).